could it get any better?

I wrote my last post about three weeks ago but didn't post it as I thought I should spell check it.  A lot has happened since then. 

I broke my shoulder on my beautiful horse and had to give him to someone who can handle him better than me.  I can't work so have lost my income.  I can't do a lot of things, anything that requires two hands, although I'm starting to be able to hold little things with the hand of the broken shoulder.  I can't drive.  I'm stuck at home not even able to clean home.  I have managed to cut up salad so have had a couple of decent meals with that.  I can't even type with both hands :(

My ex has been in my company a few times, kissed me full on the lips saying good bye two of those times, and on the forehead, and texts me with his sign off 'lots of love' and 'sweet dreams.'

I'm confused and hurt.  He wants to stay friends but he doesn't offer decent friendship.  He blows in whenever he wants to which isn't often.  I think he gets to feel like he's a good guy if I accept his friendship, like he did nothing wrong because my acceptance is his guilt free card, even though he's not actually committed to the friendship and it has no real characteristics of friendship.

I'm hurting.  At least the fear has eased up a bit.  I mostly hurt and miss him.  I have had to go through my life's activities without him being the person beside me who never left my thoughts.  People get sick of their partner and complain about them, I never did, I adored him and thought he was the best other half I could ever have.  I appreciated all the little things and the big things about him.  The annoying things weren't in focus, I was not oblivious to them just they weren't enough to be a problem, and he was so important to me.

I'm still waiting on an appointment with a shrink to try to work out childhood issues that stalk my everyday life.  I hope to be able to gain some coping strategies so I don't hurt so much over insignificant things.  Why I feel so deeply abandoned.  I shouldn't fall apart this much.  I shouldn't love so much.

Well cheers to being stuck at home doing nothing but marinating in my hurt and thoughts.  I should be grateful that I have the opportunity to rest and process everything.

Everything is not good at the moment.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year - NOT.