could it get any better?

I wrote my last post about three weeks ago but didn't post it as I thought I should spell check it.  A lot has happened since then. 

I broke my shoulder on my beautiful horse and had to give him to someone who can handle him better than me.  I can't work so have lost my income.  I can't do a lot of things, anything that requires two hands, although I'm starting to be able to hold little things with the hand of the broken shoulder.  I can't drive.  I'm stuck at home not even able to clean home.  I have managed to cut up salad so have had a couple of decent meals with that.  I can't even type with both hands :(

My ex has been in my company a few times, kissed me full on the lips saying good bye two of those times, and on the forehead, and texts me with his sign off 'lots of love' and 'sweet dreams.'

I'm confused and hurt.  He wants to stay friends but he doesn't offer decent friendship.  He blows in whenever he wants to which isn't often.  I think he gets to feel like he's a good guy if I accept his friendship, like he did nothing wrong because my acceptance is his guilt free card, even though he's not actually committed to the friendship and it has no real characteristics of friendship.

I'm hurting.  At least the fear has eased up a bit.  I mostly hurt and miss him.  I have had to go through my life's activities without him being the person beside me who never left my thoughts.  People get sick of their partner and complain about them, I never did, I adored him and thought he was the best other half I could ever have.  I appreciated all the little things and the big things about him.  The annoying things weren't in focus, I was not oblivious to them just they weren't enough to be a problem, and he was so important to me.

I'm still waiting on an appointment with a shrink to try to work out childhood issues that stalk my everyday life.  I hope to be able to gain some coping strategies so I don't hurt so much over insignificant things.  Why I feel so deeply abandoned.  I shouldn't fall apart this much.  I shouldn't love so much.

Well cheers to being stuck at home doing nothing but marinating in my hurt and thoughts.  I should be grateful that I have the opportunity to rest and process everything.

Everything is not good at the moment.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year - NOT.

is anyone out there?

Sometimes I wonder what's the point?

It's all come crashing down again.  By again, I mean that I am so devastated I can't sleep or eat, I'm living with a constant feeling of worry to the point my skin tingles and my stomach churns, and I can't seem to stop crying most of the time.

My lover left me unexpectedly.  He had been a bit tired and snappy for a couple of months and I was a bit tired and snappy back.  I asked him about it a few times, and he told me it wasn't anything much, just had things on his mind.

I spoke up a few times, I told him some things that he did that were hurting me, and although he agreed with me I didn't feel like he listened.  That was unusual as he usually recognised what he was doing and did his best to be a better him.  An example of feeling unheard was his avoidance of paying bills after over four years of living with me.  He agreed he should but didn't communicate to me about finances, just said nothing and sometimes put in some money, sometimes didn't, which left me feeling like he wasn't really committed to his share of them.

The night before he cleared out, I got very emotional at him for being rude to me and had an outburst - the first outburst like that in our entire time together.  He left at the crack of dawn and crept back home to clear his things out while I was at work.  Then he text messaged me he had left.

The next two weeks he strung me along deciding if he was really leaving or not.  More often than not he said he was just clearing his head and then he'd be home, only to decide he wasn't coming home, and telling me it was because he hurts me all the time and doesn't even know how.

I told him the way he hurt me was by not giving me a commitment when I had asked what we were and he'd told me he couldn't make a promise because he didn't know what would happen to make him break it.  He also told me actions are more than words and he's here with me so look at that.  I told him how he made me feel wrong when he said I was the kind of person that needed to hear words where he was the kind of person who did things rather than words.  I told him how I forced myself to believe in the doing of him being in my life, and how it took over two years before I could see that he considered me a part of his future, after he started talking about us having a future together.  For two years I was in love with him and lived in fear of him leaving.

So many things he said throughout our relationship came out wrong and I would die on the inside because it hurt me so deeply.  I didn't question him on the deepest hurts, but on lesser things I did, and he'd explain that's not what he said (although it was exactly what he said) and that he meant something else.  I didn't pursue the commitment conversation because I was too afraid of all the misunderstandings and how much they hurt me.  I don't like confrontation, and I am afraid of abandonment, so that also helped me keep quiet on it.

I had to learn to wait until he'd completed a whole conversation before I could begin to try to understand what he was saying.  It upset him if I asked questions along the way because he thought it was rude of me to interrupt.  I had to learn to realise things like when he said he was going away for two-three-four months, he quite often meant six weeks, so the knife in my heart didn't cut it in half.  Or that he had plans to go off for a year might not actually mean that he had plans to leave for a whole year.

I had to find a strength I don't have to not fall apart when he left on his six or eight week trips away.  I felt so abandoned.  He would normally only text or make a very brief phone call every week or so while he was away and I had to find a way of knowing he loved me even if I couldn't see, feel, or hear him.

I felt so scared of him leaving.  After we made love the first time I asked him what it was we were doing and explained I couldn't do a friends with benefits thing.  He already knew that.  We had been friends for four years beforehand.  He actually said he could see us heading in the direction of being together a year before we got together but that I wasn't ready till then.  He told me he was a flighty type of person, here today, no idea where the next week., but no mention of back the following week.  But he stuck around for months.  Then he went on an overseas trip and upon return straight into a nine month effort nursing his dying uncle, all with very limited but loving contact.  But he came home after uncle was gone and I learnt to cope with him going away for extended times throughout the years.

I felt like I was so evil that I was so hurt he left home to look after his uncle.  I felt selfish I hurt that he didn't find time for even a text message from one week to the next.  There was time, he just didn't contact me, because...because he might not have cared enough about me to want to reach out to me?  I just don't know.  He had time to be involved in other things in his life, just not me, at that time he looked after his uncle.

I loved him anyway, he was so genuine and kind and honest, he took care of me when he was here and built me up, he never asked anything of me and never got angry when I wasn't the best person I could be in life.  He even phoned me more on his last trip away, the one that he came home from strange, and broke up a couple of months later.  He loved me, lifted me up, supported me, took care of me, was my best friend and confident.  I taught myself to believe in his actions even though I was afraid of him leaving.  It was such a contradiction of things, our day-to-day life being so wonderful but the cornerstone things like making a commitment, him going away on long holidays, or paying half the bills being totally absent.

My fear grew, my insecurity grew, but I didn't grow clingy because I bottle things up.  I got depressed in the last few months but I kept those thoughts to myself.  After he left I tried to explain this to him but it made no difference.

I can't describe how scared and hurt I feel.  It's eating me up.

I've always known I had a very large box filled with hurt that I keep hidden away on the top shelf of my heart.  A few years ago I realised it makes me hurt much deeper than I should.  I don't ask people for help because I can't stand the pain of rejection.  I take everything so seriously.  I am so black and white it is blinding.  I love too hard.  I'm sensitive to some things that most people don't even notice.  I have learnt to ignore my gut feelings because they are always ones of fear.  I've found ways to live life so I can still be a soft, passionate, loving, emotional person because I don't want to become bitter and nasty.  But it hasn't helped me to be able to avoid this agonising pain I find myself in again.

It's not always a relationship break up; I have had big struggles with being treated respectfully in the workplace, I work too hard and give too much, and when the employer demands more, or is rude to me, it breaks me.  When I say rude, I mean things like swears at me, or calls me stupid for asking a fair question.  When I say work hard, I have worked 14 hour days, and been yelled at for being there (running the business while employer is overseas) and then yelled at for going home after eight hours the next day because I didn't get the day's work completed.  I don't see the wrongness of the employer, I just get hurt and try harder to get it right, until I break into a million pieces and resign because my life has been in a mess over it for years.

I am very easily influenced by friends' and familys' opinions.  I am easily manipulated into doing what they want or expect me to do, whether it's unrealistic of them or not, I will turn myself inside out rather than say no.

I'm always avoiding conflict.  I give into everyone to keep them happy.

I turned myself inside out with my lover.  I did everything he wanted to do after working 45+ hour weeks.  We'd pack up and go camping in places with no water and only a hole in the ground toilet.  I'd go camping in the middle of winter with him.  I followed him to all the things he loved doing, I took up his hobbies, I waited at home for him when he was out doing his thing.  I was so exhausted and run down from working so much and running from here to there with him after work and on weekends.  I was hurt because he wasn't interested in my things and made jokes about them, not nasty jokes, but jokes just the same.  He finally did my things a couple of times in the last month and found he didn't have a bad time but he'd already decided to leave I think.

I broke and broke and broke.  Exhaustion.  Devastation.  Hurt.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Insecurity.

I need him and he's not there.  He deserted me.  He ran away when I needed him most.  I needed him most because he didn't need me.

I am a train wreck.